juz another face in the crowd...

Congrats your CLAY AIKEN! Your Cute AND popular!


Which American idol 2 are you? (pics included)
brought to you by Quizilla

ps: i'm clay! i'm clay! *so happy!* i'm cute & popular!! (erm... got meh??)

have you ever slept wif the hope that tomorrow is a brand new day, with no worries, no hangups... that you will have a cathartic & rejuvenating sleep and you HOpe that a better life awaits you? well, i DId and i'm guilty of having such delusions fer a number of nites already in these past few weeks... on the contrary, however, more often than not, i wake up feeling disconsolate and spiritless, wif a slight throbbing headache that wud keep me grumpy and down in the dumps for at least half the entire afternoon... then i wud inevitably end up moping about in my room doing sumthing extremely pointless as surfing the internet, downloading porn or simply just lying in bed and staring at the ceiling while listening to songs frm my mp3 collection. what a fucked-up life...

i wanna be out there doing sumthing constructive wif my life... but i'm stuck here in my knot-hole with no motivation to do ANything about it but juz sit down on my heavy posterior and let life go by me... Its Sad and PAthetic... I KNOW but its like i'm powerless to do anything about it. how do i overcome this initial inertia? i need to help myself but i dont know where to start... *sigh*

well... anyway... finding nemo was a darn good show.. a delightful disney confection wif frothy cream on top and sweet, fruity filling. word of caution though; sum people might get afflicted wif glucose/saccharine overdose and thus inadvertently may feel like regurgitating your last meal by the time the end-credits roll. Seriously, i think that an hour and fortyfive minutes (or thereabouts) is a tad too long fer an animated movie but hey~ i dont think the kids are complaining! muahahaha. a very huge thank you to dear vodkalime fer being so persistent (to the point of being aggravating) about seeing the movie. however, the show was fun and the jokes were pretty fast-paced and i'm sure the dizzying myriad of colorful characters will indubitably keep the kids entertained but i think, there are just TOO many characters to keep track of... i can only remember the names of a handful of them. i end up not being able to recall any specific scenes unless i really THinkHARD about it but i DO know that the movie is DAmn good. go figure~!

ooops! am gonna be freaking late fer friday prayers so better get moving now!!!

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla

i dont think i'm a violet becuz the description above does not seem to suit me at all. in reality, i am mostly pessimistic, an introvert and cannot be bothered about problems which do not pertain to myself... truly, i think this quiz result is fallacious and am determined to retake quiz and discover my REAL aura color. But on second thought, NAh.. i cant be bothered.

have you ever felt so overwhelmed wif fatigue that your whole body is practically screaming fer sleep? i feel it now in my bones... yet my mind is whirling wif a thousand, roaming thoughts... will try to close my eyes and will myself to sleep... i want to forget but am afraid of forgetting. does that make sense???

hehe... A BIG hello to Blogmates (to those who continue to drop by to see whether i'm still alive & kickin~) and other readers (are there any in de first place?? :P ) CAnNOt believe that it's already Thursday and when i looked thru my old BLog entries, the last time i wrote in was last friday!! whoa! thats like almost a week ago!! and let me tell you, i can't really remember anything much about what had happened since then... isnt that pretty weird?? NOwadays, the days seem to pass like sand thru the hourglass (hey~ isnt that like the DaysOfOurLives opening sequence?? duh!), each one seems like the one before, each day flowing to the next like continuous drops of water from a dripping tap. i can't really say that i've had a monotonous week but my week hadnt been eventful either but strangely enuff, i couldnt find the time to sit down at my pc and do my blogging...

so here i am on de late afternoon of thurday, 26th june, merrily typing at my keyboard... let's do a quick recap of my going-ons this past week... last saturday: went down to town to meet sum frens fer dinner at magicwok.. afterwhich, i had a scrumptious time at coffeebean forum wif tjay, fazlee & his "date"... laughed so hard i thought i my tummy wud juz burst! then, went fer a ride on xiao-pi's van... whhheeeee!!! however, de nite wasnt really dat great cuz sumhow i ended up kinda all worn out and disgruntled. Sunday was much better, though i only had 2-3hrs of sleep de nite before. I had a marvellous reunion wif my minah-ferring frens, S&S, and we spent half a day at changiairport snapping pictures... i have yet to see the results of THAT but hopefully they wont turn out too bad despite the dark circles under eyes and my scruffy appearance. LOL. Got home at around 8pm but didnt pengsan like i thought i would cuz my dearie cuzzie called from tekong and we had a loooonnnng conversation, catching up wif each other. it was certainly very nice chatting wif him and i muz admit that the cheer of things have dissipated somewhat eversince he left us to Serve our Country on the sunny shores of Pulautekong!! however, he'll be back on mainland this saturday (albeit only til sunday evening) and i juz cant wait to see him wif his new army coiffure!! *so exciting!* Monday wasn't really eventful... hmmm... what did i do on monday??? Tuesday, i spent most of my day at ArRaudah babysitting my niece. had to wake up at 8 bloody am but fortunately, the day didnt turn out so bad afterall. On the other hand, i am positive that i had better things to do sumwhere else! then met up wif dear vodkalime & we spent sum quality time together... awwww shucks... habent done that fer ages!

YEsterday (i.e. wednesday), wif rigorous prompting from vodkalime, made last minute decision to catch Finding Nemo wif waksatey & fren and... luckily fer us, the movie did NOT suck as previously expected although i was quite peeved initially that we couldnt get centre-row seats. have you ever watched a movie in a cinema where almost half of the patrons are kids? if you ever had such an experience, i'm sure you cud imagine the terrible time i had trying to pay attention to the movie... amidst the sound of potato chip wrappers scrunching, little babies bawling and kids going to & fro to the loo, i did manage (thankgod!) to enjoy the movie... and i am a FAN. Ellen degeneres was simply delightful as the voice of dory the bluefish... however, am still puzzled over quizilla result... i am DORY??? huh?? i dont get it.

am now planning to talk more about findingnemo later. rite now, am terribly late fer appointment. (but that's nothing really new... muahahaha)

i juz realised that i havent updated blog for days... erm.. let me amend that~ i am FULLy aware of that fact yet am too tired rite now to really write anything much. had a pretty long day... wat did i do today? hmmm... here's a clue:


What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

ps: i MISS writing in my blog!

YOU EAT PEOPLE!!!


what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla

the truth is out. i EAT people. LOL dats soooo farni but then, there are actually people who think dat's true! (Grrr!but more about my "cannibalism" later.) anyway, i actually missed making an entry on thursday and dat's a first! i was convinced, when i initially started blogging, that i wud NEver miss making a blog entry evry nite but... apparently, i was so wrong! muahaha. hmmm.. however, my failure to abide by my conviction wasnt because of sumthing as lame as being too lazy or busy.. blah blah blah. i think i was too StRessed out yesterday.. too overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions dat i juz cudnt bring myself to write in my blog for fear that i would put down words which i might regret later. yep.. i was really at my lowest... but i knew it wud be a foolish thing to unleash my unspoken thoughts at that period of time at my blogsite.

recent events have proven that Blogworld is NOt the perfect confidant which a normal journal/diary could be. private life becomes public here. No secrets are safe. The very act of writing here automatically places you at the mercy of judgmental eyes which are other than your own. ultimately, the whole purpose of starting an online journal is defeated. but then again, what is the Purpose of Blog?? hmmmmmm.. So many issues to explore in so leetle time! hehex.

back to my dark, morbid secret: yes, i eat people. but am i really such a bad person?? i've been called many things in my life; mean, selfish, cruel, heartless... So perhaps it IS true afterall. yet... i sumtimes feel as if i'm schizophrenic. (eeew.. i think i'm starting to sound too melodramatic!! yucks!) the poem in the previous entry (see below: Song Of Myself) was written waaaaaayyyy back when i was having a crisis wif one of my exs. let me tell you, i was REALLY going berzerk at that time... looking back, i was such a stupid, silly, little idiot, i could have kicked myself! however, i didnt see how i cud have avoided doing the foolish things that i did and i guess maybe, i m shaped by those events into watever i am today (all the good and the Bad~)... no point wishing that things could have been different. the what ifs of life can drive you crazy sumtimes... but yesterday, i was in a state of dejavu and the memry of that poem came back to me like a bad vcd on repeat mode in my head. i know there are people who could relate to the feelings that i had and i had done my best to put to words the uncertainties, the pent-up frustrations which i was experiencing at that phase of my life. i think i may have been inspired by walt whitman's song of myself (notice the same title?) but i have not even read that piece yet though! haha.

*sigh* my kazuo ishiguro's when we were orphans is two days overdue but i'm not even half-way thru... better finish it asap! kazuo is a darn good writer but he tend to be abit draggy in the middle parts. have juz downloaded the episodes of Friends and Smallville which i missed last monday and am also determined to watch them later. too bad my pc has only 20gigs of space so i gotta delete them soon else my pc will move at snail's pace evrytime i open too many browsers... am now resigned to fate of having pc hangups at least Once a day. when will i ever upgrade from win98??? *sigh*.. however, thankgod for broadband! am willing to overlook pc's disabilities as long as i'm stil able to download videos off the net.. hehe.. i've spoken like a trueblue pirate! harharhar..

thehulk opened yesterday.. yet AnOther movie on my must-see list. despite negative perspectives frm frens who deem the effects too cartoonish, am very certain that movie is gona be awesome becuz anglee is helming it. however, Already occupying topspots on aforesaid list are Finding Nemo and Far From Heaven. Wif my current financial situation, am not confident will be able to fulfil wishlist... especially wif charlie's angels opening next week! already gave bruce almighty and ju-on a miss becuz 1) am disgusted by jim carrey's tired and overplayed gags. 2) i hate scary movies. 3) on tight budget. LOL.. thus is the life of a full-pledged bummer... :P

"Don't let the past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of what you will become..."

---- excerpt taken frm My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

You tell me you know me;
The way the cogs and the wheels turn in my head.
When at night, I toss and turn in bed,
Do you know what makes me sweat in my sleep?
Do you know the secret fears I keep?
You claim you know me
But I don’t even know myself.

If I gaze upon my reflection,
Who or what do you think I’ll see?
Imperfection; staring back and taunting me?
Is there more to it than meets the eye?
What demons raging within can you espy?
I demand that you tell me!
Because I need to know myself!

But I know you! I know your kind!
The kind that dragged me down into the depths of the ocean
With your pretty words
And your needs.
I was trying to reach the surface; my lungs were bursting!
But you threw me an anchor
instead of a float.
And I sunk even further… Further and further.
And then I drowned.

Maybe that’s how it happened.
Though full of jubilation was I at my own demise,
Mournful, were the other parts of me that survived.
But that’s how the world spins upon its axle;
Ordinary people meet tragic ends in this fable.
“Disillusioned!” you tell me.
But still I sing this song of myself.

So tell me you know me
And I will sing to you a different tune and melody.
Of truths and untruths in discordant harmony.
My reflection is what I envision,
Not the familiar figure that you imagined.
You may think you know me
When I’m not so certain myself…
Yet I will go on singing…

this Song of Myself.

0423hrs. had sudden attack of insomnia. hence decided to update blog. maybe i need to release sumthing out of my system first before i cud get any shut-eye.

"relationships... like rainbows. beautiful but not long lasting." like my dear fren zechiel, kubz' off-hand remark has shaken me sumwhat. little truths wrapped up in simple words.

have been staring at blank page of blog post for last 20minutes. been typing out stuff only to hit the backspace button on my keyboard. so many thoughts and ideas whirling around in my head but have got no clue how to express them in logical and organized manner. am at wits end...

maybe shud try counting sheep. :P

Innocent


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmm.. how time flies. am trying to recall wat i did over the weekend but all events seemed pretty hazy. Saturday: went over to ed's pseudo-bbq-thingy n then had phototaking spree wif dopez & sum other fellas. (as a rule, i dont like taking pictures but this was an exception! thanx dopez!) sunday: erm.. hung around jurong point wif a couple of blokes (see-see & walk-walk; but i hate the crowd!). actually got back home before sunset which is like sumthing i've not done fer ages. monday (yesterday i mean): met up wif punkrock after EONS of not seeing him and then was juz doin our bumming around thing wif the other blogmates... Well, thats (i.e. bumming around) what we've been doin aLOT lately, it seems. Pretty sad life, huh? (moreover, musx seemed OutofIt sumhow... Cheer up, old chap!)

highlight of yesterday was of course seeing clayaiken performing again on channel5's repeat telecast of AI2. downloaded sumwhere out there clip so i cud swoon (LOL) in the privacy of own room... but deeming it rather silly of me, am now determined to delete clip frm pc by the endoftheweek... at least... muahahaa! however, its unfathomable that sum pple really view him wif dislike juz becuz he Looks kinda wimpy. Wats UP wif these pple?!?!? cant help but feel slightly distraught & indignant whenever uncharitable remarks abt him are made within my earshot. hmmmm i'm having vague suspicions that my claymania may be too... much...

was quite disturbed cuz i woke up at half past one in the afternoon juz now. didnt really expect to wake up THAt late... however, am pretty resigned to my fate by now. *sigh*

am also quite dismal over looming commencement affair & for those who say it is The biggest MOment of my life, or Once in Lifetime thingy, yadda-yadda & all that crap.. i beg to differ.

plans fer today: gona shower ASAP after updating blogsite & then decide further plans after i smell comfortingly nice & clean. hopefully will not engage myself in money-spending activities cuz rite now, am quite alarmed over dwindling funds. muz get a job soon. i.e. muz get a better LIFE.

"what makes you think your problems are bigger than anyone else's?" - Georgia.

"becuz they're MINE." - Ally.

---- excerpt frm an episode of Ally Mcbeal. (cant remember which season.. Lol)

ps: my sex appeal is Innocent?? seems incredible but... hehehe... i kinda like it!

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

woke up suddenly halfanhour ago wif this unpleasant feeling... a premonition u might even say... as if sumthing bad is gonna happen. went to the living room and chatted wif my mum abit but she didnt make me feel any better at all. thankfully, my dearest niece is already awake (yes, unlike me, that three-yr old is an early riser) and juz watching her, being the adorable doll that she is, put a smile on my face immediately. speaking in her cute baby voice (which borders upon intelligible at times), walkin around wif her ungovernable curls bouncing like a halo upon her head, smiling that irrepressible smile (which reminds me of gorgeous KristinKreuk)... cant help but make me feel all soft and gooey and mushy inside. i wanna smother her wif hugz&kisses galore and hold&protect her frm life's atrocities... for her, i'm even willing to commit bloody murder or even bash the head of her goodfernuthin father wif a sledgehammer. maybe, this is what pure, unadulterated love is all about...

LOVe is an elusive thing. even the very mention of the word evokes my memory of the tina arena song wif that hypnotic refrain... "i wanna know what love is... i want u to show me..." Looking back thru my meaningless existence, i've been in & out a number of relationships. always, after each single one, i assure myself that the next one is always gonna be better than the one before. i've had my fair share of heartbreaks, of tears, of rejections and disappointments. i've made a couple of trips thru hell and back and here i am still surviving.. if i CAN call this surviving. i am so grateful to GOd that i have such a loving family... despite the burdens and problems that continue to plague us. at the end of the day, THis is the Only kind of love which i think is dependable and everlasting. Sumtimes, i wish my dad was still alive; then maybe he will know how much love we have for him & how much we R missing him. if only i cud tell him all the things that had happened to us in these last couple of years...

i've learnt the sad truth that friends come and go in yr life like waves that sweep in and out wif the tides. the ones that matter are those few that have seen u cry and wail like babies and yet still considerate enuff to lend u their shoulder and offer you the comfort of their warm embrace. i've learnt that as we grow older, we discover new levels of loneliness... and sumtimes, loneliness is more terrifying than any other threat to our lives. i've learnt that individuality does not mean being different from evryone else; it is the realisation of SElf.

but then, all humans are Not infallible. the way we lead our lives is oftentimes the very antithesis of our inward beliefs and philosophies. Creatures of contradiction; that's what men are. the sagacity of Plato, Emerson, Thoreau, Shakespeare or Descartes live on in the words they had written but who Are these men really? are they Really worth our reverence? we wont Ever know becuz they're So dead that they've become next to legendary... muaahhahhaa.

it is already five minutes to 10am. i've only had a three hour sleep since yesterday. some of my blogmates have probably juz woken up and very soon, they will be busy blogging... to some, this is still a novel activity.. their zeal and enthusiasm will probably wear off soon. To the rest, blogging will become (or Has become) akin to a religious routine. to me at least, i've found a wonderful means of expressing evry single errant thought that has wondered into my frivolous head. Blogging has become a passion; an indispensable panacea to the asperities of life ... and if u find me tiresome and long-winded, then i suggest u get the hellouttahere.

borderline


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

ohdear.. i think quizilla quizzes are juz so qute! (hows that for alliteration?? :P ) Couldnt resist the temptation to try out their multitude of quizzes wif funky and peculiar names like "which xmen character are u?", "wats yr sex appeal?", which xmen wud u like to date?" etc etc. i think it's becoming an addiction... scary! tried out the disorder quiz and turns out that i'm a borderline... hmmmm... i beg to differ but nvrmd...

had a pretty tiring day though come to think of it, i didnt really do anything much. usually, i loathe to be unproductive but today wasnt so bad actually. muz be becuz i bought a new tshirt frm esprit juz now which was on 50% off and since i'm such a sucker for good bargains, i juz HAD to get it. i'm a rather impulsive shopper, i muz admit, and its kinda scareee sumtimes cuz i usually end up gettin sumthing i dont really need instead of those stuff i'm really lacking of... BUT shopping is a destressing activity fer me, though abit on the costly side.. hehehe. maybe i need to find a more economical hobby... like blogging fer instance?? :P

hmmm... after giving it some thought, maybe i AM borderline afterall. i do have unpredictable moodswings... even I, am aware of that.

i juz took this personality test whose link i found in drumgroovy's blog. Very surprising results. For one thing, i dont believe that i am HISTRIONIC or Dependent. i think i am more inclined towards being Paranoid or Schizoid. maybe even ANtiSocial wud be credible but.. histrionic??? (*scratches head*) muahahha... No need to take these online tests seriously anyway. i mean, it is totally preposterous to diagnose sumone juz on the basis of a few questions they answered. but stil, it was kinda irresistible to find out how INsane i was...

my trusty five dollar ikea wall-clock says it's already five minutes after two. In the afternoon!!! ARGH. i thought i am done wif late nites & stuff but here i am BACK to square one. BACK to my daily ritual of waking up in de midafternoon feeling lazy and lethargic. haiz (*sigh*)... i AM getting Old. (yes, Tjay... i know i'm old! LoL) but wudnt it be marvellous to think that u were peterpan and cud fly around never2land wif yr lost boys and dear wendy fer like evry single day of yr miserable life??? muahahaha! Gee.. wudnt that be SO fun?!

last nite, my dearie cuzzie gave me a ring at around ten and we had a good time updating each other about our respective lives. luckily, i've gone thru bloody NS and was able to relate (very well) to his anecdotes and give my two-cents worth of opinion. how army life have changed! now it all seems fun and enjoyable... more like ncc i suppose. i cant remember much abt MY armydayz except that it was... erm... stressful. Well Anyway, chatting wif him was nice and i was reassuring him about how much the gang misses him and wishing he were back here wif us bumming around... but he has grown a tad too vulgar i think... part of army parlance i supppose.

i had a bumpy sleep though. evrynite fer the past two or three weeks i've been getting peculiar dreams which i juz cannot remember upon waking up. then i end up spending the whole afternoon wif this weird feeling in my head as if sumbody juz stepped on my brain the night before. its a very unpleasant sensation, i assure u... my late nites are getting to me i think... very soon i'll become like jacknicholson's character in The SHining. i wud take a whack at evryone in the house wif an axe. thankgod we dont keep an axe around the place.. (however, i know we have this ultrahuge hammer kept under the kitchen sink... wud that do?? ;p )

clayaiken's this is the night is playing on my jukebox... how i've missed seeing him on TV! i know some people think that he looks like such a wuss but he reminds me of one of those elven characters from LOrdOFtheRings.. He has that EtheREal quality about him... wudnt it be So perfect to have him sing the theme song for the third instalment of that epic??? *sigh* however, i much prefer hearing him sing LIve.. there is sumthing about his voice which is so simply... Magical!


Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

ps: i think i'm in love wif clay... Lol

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Woke up just now and looked at the clock hanging on the wall above me... ten minutes to 10am. Cudnt believe my freakin eyes! got up and looked out of the window... the streets looked kinda dead. thought i was in twilight zone but.. wait! saw signs of life and neighbour upstairs could be heard hollering at imbecilic maid for like the umpteenth time this week. YEP, i'm AWAKE. THis is REal... HURRAH hurrah HUrrah! have finally broken vicious cycle of late nites and late mornings and woken up couple of hours earlier than the norm. Congratulatin myself on victory of mind over body but lookin at the clock again, its already 1140hrs!! OhmyGod, gona be late for mosque...

hmmm.. wat have i been doin since 10am? let me see... oh yes! Switched on trusty PC. Went online. Checked me blogsite. was Horrifed becuz template didnt load properly. (that has happened quite a number of times. its pretty vexing...) Luckily, template had been saved in a separate doc. file. Was quite smug about it. Opened up my Fotoshop & fiddled around wif the colors... Abracadabra! blogsite has been cuztomized to my fav color of the moment! hehehe... i think i shud change the colors from time to time... juz to keep things interesting. On that note, will try out shades of pink or green next week... :)

Waking up early has done wonders for my mood. Was really down in the dumps before sleep but am now my typical morbid (albeit cheerful) self. Hopefully the pimple that i discovered yesterday have simmered down to an acceptable size. muahahahaa. what day is it again? oh yes... it's Friday! Have made resolution last nite to stay home as far as possible. WILL NOT GO OUT. WILL NOT GO OUT. WILL NOT GO OUT. (except fer mosque of course.) Am running low on cash already... (isnt that like the norm fer evryone???) Impending bbq at didi's house tmr. (why do u have to live so FAR, ed???) hmmm... what shud i wear? :P

had a funny dream but cudnt remember a thing about it except that my dearie cuzzie was in it. very WeiRD. he has been gone since like... MONday! wonder wat he cud be doing right now on sunny island of tekong. being chased by wildboars while running around in horrendous skimpy singlet and unfashionable black shorts? LOl. Poor cuzzie. but i'm sure he'll be fine... cuz unlike sum other pple i know, my cuzzie is a SUrvivor!!! Yeah!

argh! already noon. at this time yesterday, i was stil tossing & turning in bed. Today, am proudly sitting up at desktop typing away at blogsite. ooopps... mum has started to nag about showering.. Gtg...

i am tired. My whole body is screaming in exhaustion. i know i shud be in bed right know, wif my eyes closed and my covers about me... but i cannot bring myself to do that. i feel as if there is a knot in my chest... and i am waiting for sumone to UNknot it for me. Was talking on the fone juz now.. let me amend that... Was LISteniNg more than i was talking. Have always been. Why is it so hard for me to say sumthing? To vocalise wat my heart so much wishes to say? to verbalize my fears, my dreams, my aspirations? to give shape and affirm my thoughts and ideas? what demon holds me now in his cage, depriving me of my most basic necessity to live; my liberty?

if only you knew, dear blogmates... then maybe you could tell me what inthe bloodyworld is the matter with me.

Was watching Billy Elliot earlier wif a few pals... Very cosy atmosphere infact, (though a bit uncomfortable trying to peer into the screen of a computer monitor) and i pretty much enjoyed their wonderful company. But amidst all these, i was oblivious to their easy banter, to the trials of dear Billy as he strives to express himself thru ballet, his funny and peculiar granny... etc etc. (it was MY vcd anyway, and i've seen the show quite a number of times) its an amazing movie... i love it and i think stephen daldry is a genius. jamie bell is splendid (hope he doesnt sink into the depths of obscurity). but then the story seems to me like the ultimate fantasy: boy has dream. boy chases after dream. boy LIVING the dream. i am envious of this character. i m unable to Escape into the fantasy created by Mr Daldry and Billy... and i m bitter...

wat Are dreams? wat are aspirations? i could tell u. i had them once, not too long ago... but i woke up and found myself on an endless treadmill... a monotonous ride into non-existence. For you see... i have lost all notion of existing. i am but an echo but what i cud have been or what i cud have become. i am here, yet i am not here. you see me smiling. but it is not me. isnt that what most people are? give them the chance to be a drama queen and i assure that even u, my dear blogmates, might agree wif me.

theHours, another magnificient Stephen Daldry movie, is both haunting and obscure. too abstract, probably for the likes of those who prefer their entertainment direct and upfront. too glossy to be avantgarde for those who scorn hollywood's manipulation of the big-guns, namely meryl streep, nicole kidman & julianne moore. but despite all these, i love the movie. sumhow, i felt so connected... felt overwhelmed by my comprehension of the characters. Individuals caught in a culdesac; each maintaining an outer veneer of composure and confidence yet inside, they are but frightened mice in dark, small cages... the circumstances may be different but the emotions are similar... Suffocation. Repression. Depression. Insanity. but therein ends the similarities; for what makes us individuals are the differences in our eventual choices. for some, there is NO choice. For others, there are alternatives but wif calculated risks.

i am being incomprehensible today i suppose. what CAn u expect from the deranged mind of an idiot who is writing at such an ungodly hour?

"...it was done for yr betterment! it was done out of Love! if i didnt know you any better, i wud call this ingratitude!" - Leonard

"Ingratitude? U call me ungrateful? my life has been stolen from me. I am living in a town i have no wish to live in.. i am living a life i have no wish to live..." - Virginia

---- excerpt taken from The Hours.

have been listening to siti nurhaliza's Bukan CInta Biasa over and over again (yes.. it's on REPEAT mode on my jukebox ;p) so that i could get the hang of the lyrics. What is it about siti and her voice which makes most people go GAga over her anyway?? Fortunately, i am NOT a siti fan and will never be Unless she develops some chutzpah like my xtina. muahahaha.. thankgod the probability of THAT happening would be next to zero! SO why the hell am i listening to her at all? Well, once in awhile, she does have a few gems of a song and this one is IT from her new album... which bytheway is entitled Emas... (why is the malay community so obsessed wif this element anyway?)

As the discriminating reader may have noticed, i am a sucker for rhetorics and there are juz so many things in this world that fill me wif bewilderment. There is so much Beauty and Ugliness to be found; so much that we have yet to understand about life and reality... so much to despise, yet so much to love... eh.. i'm bordering on corniness again...

but hey i am digressing frm wat i wanted to say in this blog in the first place. but that's what usually happens to me anyway: i would have evrything i wanted to say mapped out in my mind, all primly organized but when i'm finally sitting down and typing away at my keyboard, its as if the gates of a dam have been opened and all the murky waters gush forth mightily to flood the dried up wastelands beyond... and thus in this deluge of words and ideas, i get lost. A lost lamb without a shepard. well, u get the idea rite?

let's get on wif the show: Well, i woke up this mornin wif this overwhelmin sense of purpose in my mind. FOr days now, i've been going about my life in a haze but today, its like the clouds have parted and sent down a crystalline shaft of sunlight into the smoggy realms of my consciousness... I have a BLog now! hurrah!!! (utter anticlimax isnt it) its currently the fad (i think) to have a blog of yr own and i've discovered that bloggers fall into two distinct types: those who care to blog and those who dont. hehehe. I'm still envious of one of my frens cuz his blogsite is so much cooler than mine but i think God is Fair lah.. surely mine is better in SOME ways. :( (wishful thinking, perhaps?) However, i must concede that tweaking this bloody blogsite is time consuming and exhausting. Am determined to find out more about html and the like so that could improve upon blog template but currently at my wits end to the point of Frustration and Madness. So, have given up for now and ended up making an entry in blog which is what i shud be more concerned about in de1st place. TA DAA.. hmmm maybe after this, i'll get around to cleaning my room. :P

well... i think i've had enuff of being verbose for today. Stil trying to get the hang of things...

"where are you going?" - Freddy

"TO the river!" - Eliza

"What for?" - Freddy

"To make a HOLE in it!" - Eliza

---- excerpt taken frm My Fair Lady, conversation btwn Fred & Eliza in ACt 2

this is getting too aggravating...
Evryday, since the exams ended ard 3 weeks ago, i've been sleeping late. VEry late. And i inadvertently end up waking up in the middle of the freakin afternoon... I dont really know the whys or hows but this has got to STOP! But... as convinced as i am that i have to end this vicious cycle, i am as powerless to prevent it. I mean, my entire circadian clock has been fine-tuned for the life of a total bum (aka myself) so how do i go about readjusting my biological patterns to a whole new schedule? ? ? mind over body? but the body is weak.... lol

another source of aggravation is this blog itself. being ignorant of even simple html and a self-proclaimed technophobe, i am inclined to think that starting this blog thingy is not such a good idea afterall... I AM getting old... unfortunately (despite having drunk from the fountain of youth! - drats!) and my mind is resisting the acquirement of new knowledge like a rock that is trying to absorb water... Go figure! of course that might not be the perfect analogy but i'm stil trying to get used to writing in "proper" english after weeks of speaking in singlish (erroneous english). that brings me to this question: how proper is proper? why shud i even be BOTHERED? hmmmmmmmm. .. ...

somehow or other, i seem to have lost something. I need to regain it. But the grand question is: HOW? what is it that i've lost anyway? my SANity?

but then, that's the whole purpose of this blog; to rediscover mySELF. to look beyond my recollections and to look within the depths of my miserable, morbid mind. FLighty thoughts ... away wif thee! Thy shall plague me no longer!

i cant believe it. i have started rambling already... better cease now....

HEllo OUt there..... !

hurrah... have finally started this thingy. have been contemplating fer days about starting my own blog but after weighing out all the pros and cons, i've finally given in to temptation.. and so here i am!!! lol :P

spent many hours thinking about a nick... but cudnt think of anything really interesting or original (as u may have noticed) but SIGH - i'm trying to be a perfectionist okie!! ! i was trying to come up wif THE perfect blog nick fer myself but... to no avail. I'm dead tired now/ my cerebral hemispheres R feeling a bit numb already... Hopefully, i'll post a better intro next time... :)